She's JV to your varsity
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
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