some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
im drinking this country out of the recession.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
