i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
