I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
The air was thick with penises
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
