I could make wine with my vomit
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
