Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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