My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
