Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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