had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
