sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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