I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
