She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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