I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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