wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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