apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
