When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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