So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
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