I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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