I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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