I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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