how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
