i need an iv and a liver transplant
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
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