So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
