Can i not drive my cunt home
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
