Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
