Sponge bath it is.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
