Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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