I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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