thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
