i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
