Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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