dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
