Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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