True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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