i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
