My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
