There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
