I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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