Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
My penis needs a shock collar
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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