Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
