im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just took my morning after pill in the library
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
