so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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