sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
