I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
this will be a night to untag.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
