saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Randomize
