Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Two words: blizzard sex
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
