Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
