brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
my phone needs a breathalizer
It's just like the Real World with babies
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
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