I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
