I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
