News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
