if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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